In the early days of the 1950’s, America was known for two things:
- Being Wicked Cool
- Winning Wars
It seems to me that we’ve lost our way. I don’t know whatever happened to the aspiration of being James Dean/Steve McQueen cool, and I can’t bring it back by myself. In lieu of that we could master the basics of getting dressed in the morning. I know that sounds condescending, but I work in Olympia, and… y’all need some help.
So let’s start with the simple stuff:
1. Match Your Leathers (see item #2)
If nothing else, you should ask yourself “why are my shoes black and my belt brown? Why don’t I just buy things in one color?” Let laziness be your guide!
2. Don’t Tuck Your T-Shirt Into Your Jeans
Yes, I know that you were raised on a farm and that you’re prematurely forty years old. I know that this “internet thing” is new to you. But I’ll take the time to chisel it onto a stone tablet to let you know that if you’re going to tuck it in, it should have a collar.
NOTE: You may/should tuck it in if it’s an undershirt.
3. No Fedoras
Everytime you wear a fedora, God reaches back in time and re-cancels Firefly, just to punish nerd-culture as a whole. If you seriously think a staple of 1920’s fashion and your anime T-Shirt go together, you should probably ask for help getting dressed in the morning.
4. Crocs. Seriously?
Fun Fact: When you buy crocs, you directly support terrorism.
5. Slacks + Tennis Shoes
I don’t know what this combo means. Are you planning to go running, but you want to look nice? If that’s the case, you can stop.